I need a change.
Correction: a lot of changes.
Depression and anxiety have come like waves over the last two years, moving in and out at times, but never going far. And as a result of that, I’m weary, and distant. And although there is so much joy, there is also pain. So over the last several months I’ve been trying to sift through my thoughts and feelings and figure out how to start a new chapter.
After a night away by myself and some much needed space and quiet, I was determined to wake up today and press reset. A new course starting NOW.
And then…
Eli woke up an hour early (thank you, daylight saving), and I looked outside to see a completely snow covered ground in the middle of March (thank you, Michigan)! #moving.
So instead of sticking to my “fresh start” mantra, I grabbed a coffee and sat down to mindlessly scroll through instagram, like I do most mornings. And let’s just say, it didn’t necessarily “refresh” me. Quite the opposite, actually.
I went into a spiral of looking at all these other women who are skinnier, more creative, successful, ambitious, have 50K followers, and are “doing it.” They’re blogging and creating and sharing and making their voice heard. And somehow they always look amazing and their kids are even trendier than them.
Then there’s me.
Doing nothing. Wearing an over-sized nightgown that I wore through both of my pregnancies. Letting one kid have tablet time, and the other is emptying the kitchen cupboards for entertainment. My house is imperfect and I have too much cream in my coffee. And I’m spiraling deeper and deeper into a sad place. A place where I feel small and scared. A place where I feel useless. Where I not only feel unseen, but unworthy of being seen.
So at this point one of the kids interrupts me and I decide to go get up and drag myself through the daily routine.
Gym first. And as I walked into my room to grab my workout clothes I felt this strange prompting to open my devotional book that has sat on my shelf, unopened, for months and months.
I grab it. Sit down. And open to today’s date. And right there it was. EXACTLY what I needed to hear.
And not in the broad sense, but in a very specific and personal way.
Shauna Niequist’s words on the page speak of comparison and how when you’re feeling small and scared EVERYONE else seems to look shiny and bright.
When you’re low and gray, you don’t have the perspective to realize that people only share what they want seen. And there are also a lot of people who share raw truth, but when you’re caught in the dark spiral, you don’t zero in on the truth, instead you see what will feed the lie.
This miraculous intervention has stopped me in my tracks. There is no coincidence involved here. God graciously provided me with just what I needed.
I feel seen. I feel reminded that I don’t have to do anything to be worthy of love. It’s always there. Always available. I just need to step into the light.
And in the light… I’m still in my nightgown, my coffee is now cold, and I’m feeding Elias a day old apple fritter just so I can finish writing this. So life is still messy and murky and mundane. BUT, I have a choice in this. I may not be able to change all of my circumstances. I still need to feed my kids and change diapers and do dishes…but WHO I AM while I do those things is entirely up to me. Perspective is everything. So whatever is getting in the way of me “doing me” and sharing my voice and my story is just a lie. I have so much inside of me that wants to come out. I just need to get out of my own way.
I can find me in the midst of chaos, because I’m HERE. I’m in it. I have the power and authority to choose WHO I AM.
I’m loved. I’m seen. I have a place at the table.
Now it’s time to step and and take my place. No one else’s. Just mine.
